finding your truth

{so this says 17 days, because it is from the 3 week series from almost 2 years ago.  You can check out that day here–humbling to go back 2 years}

I am sure we have all faced a point where we wonder, “What exactly am I setting out to do. What is my passion, my truth?”  I have a hard time believing that any of us set out to be mediocre.  We all have a passion for something and it usually happens that our passion for one thing allows us to fall short somewhere else.  Thursday night set out to start a 72 hour period that would once again force me to self reflect. 

In my life there is that vice, that idea, that intangible force that holds on to me in a way that I can’t explain.  It has taken on many forms in my life, but none so present as hope and fear.  I have only experienced the two in a synergistic presence at one point in my life and it was an interesting experience of self-reliance and co-dependence.  It was on Thursday that the reality of these two emotions showing up in my life in a tangible way became a possible reality.  I felt my heart suddenly get trapped in a vice.  I felt my breath shorten.  It was until about Friday around 3am that I realized that I had to stop and breathe.  I had nothing to fear.  I had a truth about myself that couldn’t be shaken. Best friend Whitney started telling frantic Whitney to calm down and write it down. So I did…

My truth:  This is my life and I was living it, in ways that I loved.   My truth was that I had the best friends and family who love me and 90 percent of the time like me too.  More than that, I like me.  My truth: I am many things. I don’t think in this world I will ever be just one.  I doodle on myself to inspire myself on Sunday evenings. I paint windows with words that I love.  I am a lover of words, the way they roll or your tongue when used in the perfect sentence. I love lyrics and how when it hits the beat of music and sung with the perfect inflection you can imagine your movie, your life flashing before your eyes. I dream of writing a book.  My own tales of invisible people.  I am human and dream of redemption found in a good glass of wine, the perfect handwritten letter, and a hug.  I believe in taking some sort of chance in this life.  Sometimes its taking a chance that I will be able to walk an 8 hour day in 4″ heels.  Then there are those times that I took the chance on hope and fear and left all behind.  Each chance unique and ultimately worth every second and moment My truth is unwavering, but it does expand.  It expands into truths of others, truths of my dog, truths of my heart that remind me daily it can beat to a different tune.  My truth was something I had to fall in love with, something I had to like, for it is the core of my life…of who I am, of what I sometimes lost. 

So at about 9 am the next morning when I had written the bullet point list of “my truth,”  I found myself breathing a tiny bit slower and freaking out a little less.  This after all is my life.  I have to stop expecting it to look like something it’s not, and start living it. 

What’s your truth?

lifetimes of paper rainbows…W

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