Disclaimer: I have often wondered how much is appropriate to share in the blog world. I never wanted this site to be an open letter to the world, but alas I read back and find that sometimes it is. So today I am going to dive in. Today there is no cryptic message, this is the black and white of it.
Life has been in an uproar now for a good 3 weeks. It started with medical melodrama, followed by boy melodrama, all-encompassing the little dramas that live brings. Point is for 3 weeks I have completely ignored what makes me happy, what relaxes me, what makes me, well me. For the past 3 weeks I have created a total of one piece of art, if you can even call it that. I have created nothing but the superficial to hold off questions from others. I have done just enough to get a B and at the end of the day, no one is ever happy or upset with a B, but I never set out to get a B grade in life. I set out to be the best at my life. There is no competition, just me living this life. I have for the past 3 weeks really screwed it up. I fight like a ninja in the night for myself, and at the end of the fight it is always the same solution as the day before always the same problem as before, it is always the same.
I am embarking on a journey. A journey that I have been on many times before. A journey that I have tried to embark on but never had the push to quite do so. I have the push. I have the drive. I looked in the eyes of someone who is just as broken as me and for the first time thought, “My foundation is cracked.” I always knew it was. I always knew I held on to tears a little tighter, that I held on to pain a little tighter. I always knew these things. If something bothers me, I hold onto it with a death grip for the pure purpose of remembering so that I never question why I don’t put myself in bad situations. It worked in a lot of ways. I built the wall. Not just a brick wall. I built a wall with layers. There are bricks and metal walls and the only places you see in are the carefully placed windows and the far to occasional hole from the cannon ball that came flying through. It is if nothing else exhaustively lonely and unmistakably annoying to others. I push and I pull. I climb over the wall for only hours at a time. When it gets scary I quickly escape back over to the other side. Sometimes when feeling especially self righteous I stand on top of the wall and find myself spewing my opinion on the world as I see it. Truth be told, I see the world in one way and one way only: This wold is truly a remarkable place. A place created by a God that I wish I could comprehend. A God that invites me into his arms on a daily basis through a little girls eyes and her magic tennis balls, through the sunrise, through the nuzzle of my dog’s nose that lets me know she is right there with me, through my favorite song, through the guy that breaks my heart. A God that I invite in on a limited basis. Truth be told I am terrified that I will let him truly come into my heart and I will lose site of my escape route in life. I will lose site of my wall. What if everything is good, and I lose the pain and then get hurt again? Some strange part of me things that holding hard onto the pain, keeps more from coming.
Now don’t get me wrong. I laugh louder than any girl you have met. I play like anyone else. I smile because I do know that I have not given up on me. More than that I smile because I know that God hasn’t given up on me. I am a blessed little girl, who isn’t so little anymore. I have learned more lessons in this lifetime than I ever thought I would. I long for the point when I will not be living amongst the invisible people, but I will become the invisible person with a story to tell. For those that lost me there, A Love Song for Bobby Long is my favorite movie. I watch the movie and connect not with Bobby, not with Pursy, but with Lawson. I am not a writer, but I know what it is like to find your life lost. I know what it is like to go through and look for your redemption. To want so badly to make up for something that you know was not all due in part ot you, but you none the less feel completely responsible for. I know what it is like to want to escape somewhere and just be able to not put it all behind you, but be able to rise above and be all the wiser, all the more talented, all the more respected because of the past. I know what it is like to want to be a better person because of the characters in your life, not in spite of them.
I guess all of this sounds a bit heavy but I am getting somewhere. I have, with a bit of a push, been placed in an interesting time frame. It took 3 weeks to lose complete control of a life that I had little control of to begin with. I see these past 3 weeks pretty clearly. What isn’t too clear is the third of my life that came before. From the age of 18 I slowly watched myself make bad decision after bad decision, only to be held afloat by my ability to bounce, laugh, create, and make an amazing choice here and there. I am in love with a world that has everything to offer me and I lose site of that thought each and everyday. So for the next 3 weeks, I work on me. I re-evaluate. There will be prayer, faith, lists, art, work, most importantly, there will be life and the responsibility that comes with it. It will be my 3 weeks, unedited, uninhibited, unscripted.
Should you have any thoughts, stories, songs, anything to share don’t hesitate to speak up. November 15, 2009 will be the conclusion of 3 weeks. Till then I marinate….I will create….I will dance….I will pray….I will trust….and when all is said and done, I can only hope that there will be no decision to be made but only a path to follow.
Wishing you a lifetime of paper rainbows and smooth peanut butter…W the digesting artichoke
Lil’ Lagniappe: A song to start it off–