(take that subject)

I think a lot of times we let go of the fact that in this world there are things that go terribly wrong.  There are times that things fall apart. There are people in this life that it seems that we are destined to fight with, but those are the people that hold the mirror in front of our face and force us to see the person staring back.  — I write all the time.  I have so many thoughts going on in this head of mine that sometimes I don’t know what to do with them. So I have quotes, and notes, and doodles everywhere.  I have things written in red on black-lines. I have randomness written in the margins of books.  I have things written in each day of the calendar.  The thoughts come to me, the memories come to me, and I think, “I can’t forget that.”  I do, and then I forget where I wrote the thought I just forget.  — People though…People are engraved on my heart.  I am haunted and overjoyed with their words and faces.  Some come in my life for years. Some forever. Some for days.  Their words, their face when they spoke the words, their voice when they spoke the words, that sticks with me forever.  Their words, their voice, their face, those are the reasons I can never finish a painting.  The paintings are never my thoughts…they are the things people leave me with and unless they finish the thought, their painting will never be finished.  I have to paint and create with what they leave me, or it threatens the very life inside of me.  Tortured soul I guess (wink wink).  — With all this said:  I feel like I should leave everyone with a simple thought…The thought that is a constant. The thought that I would want them to hold with them forever. Because if you haunt me, it is for one reason and one reason alone, so they must have that thought.  It is theirs after all — 

An open letter,

You once told me that you throw it all away. That at that moment everything I said meant more to you than I could know, but once the moment passes it is over. You only care what I say the next moment.  I would have argued the point to the end of time, but at the end of the day you are just like me.  Deep down in there is the cynic. The person that knows things always fall apart.  Things always do. I don’t say that as a pessimist, but as a realist.  I live my life looking for the best in everything because our time with each other is short.  Our time with the day is limited, just as our time with the night.  We appreciate things a lot more when we have them if we accept the one simple truth;  Nothing lasts forever, but I write you this my silent friend. I write you this in a spot where you can’t throw it away. You are a beautiful person.  If you take nothing away from our friendship take that. 

You once told me that if you would have rather me taken out my anger on you than someone else.  You didn’t deserve it, not in the least.  You deserved my heart.  Had I given you my heart, we could have avoided a lot.  We were two people fighting for a place on the same path.  We kept pushing each other off.  I am convinced we just got tired.  Tired of fighting the “good” fight.  Fighting for love that we both knew existed. Fighting for the same thing, Peace.  You are a beautiful person.  If you take nothing away from our friendship take that.

You said you wished I had said something sooner.  I didn’t. I said something now.  I said something then.  I said something.  I just wanted the ideal. I wanted everything.  I wanted my best friend to find the good too.  Things end badly all the time.  I am convinced you can never end on good terms.  Things always end badly.  Things worth fighting for always end badly.  Your friendship was worth fighting for.  I will never stop fighting for that, ever.  You are a beautiful person.  If you take nothing away from our friendship, take that.   

You said you wished I was the person I used to be.  I was a beautiful person.  I was a naive person.  I was unafraid of the bad, but more of perfection.  I aimed to be perfect jsut for you.  I aimed to be everything you needed me to be.  Until I cracked. I was the windshield that gets the little bitty chip, and then chip spread into cracks.  I still function as a windshield but I will never pass inspections.  I am cracked.  I am flawed.  I will never be that person, ever.  But if you look closely you will see that she is in there.  There is still a girl who bruises easy, who cries when she knows she is in trouble.  There is still a gir who worships you.  You are a beautiful person.  If you take nothing away from our friendship, take that.

You said I was beautiful.  I may not know what to take from our  friendship at any given moment, but I take that.

Thank you.

W…The artichoke


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