(wall subject)

I have always been a introspective person.  I am constantly trying to figure out what is going on in my head.  It always baffles me when someone offers opinions on the life I lead.  A lot has happened since I last wrote.  More or less on the relationship home front.

I have always been one of the guys. It never fails that this usually kicks me in the butt.  About 3 years ago I fell for one of the guys in my life.  I was convinced he was the one I would marry.  We had dated off and on for the year prior, but something hit and I just though he was the elusive one.  I have come to believe since then that “the one” doesn’t exist in another person.  It only exists in me in my heart.  I am my own “one.” After months of stomping on each others hearts, just recently something pushed me to let go and walk away. So I did.  I realized being in his life caused more pain than removing myself from it.  We had not been true friends in a long time.  I think we just broke each other.  I had nothing left inside me to give.  Then I met…Corn….

Corn is an interesting phenomenon. There are times when I think he expects nothing from me but to just be there and hold his hand, yet I don’t do that.  There are times when he tells me about his life and I think, I have nothing to offer you.  The guy before you took it all. Actually he didn’t take it, I offered it all willingly.  I think, slow this train down buddy, but I don’t, because part of me just wants to take the ride.  So I sit, I talk, I type.  I say everything that I am not supposed to say and nothing that I should.  It amazes me everyday that he is still chatting it up with me. You see Corn tells this lil’ girl everything that we are supposed to want to hear.  Do not mistake what I am saying, I love it, but I think, “I don’t trust myself and you, my dear, shouldn’t either.  So hold on to whatever good you find in me, because you are going to need to remind yourself of it often when you start to see all the cracks in my foundation.” He has been honest to a fault and the hurt he has had in his life is written on his shirt.  It is endearring.  I have never met a guy like this, and I am in complete awe and admiration.  I have a point in this rather than to tell you about the characters that enter my days…

You see Corn and I have a reoccurring convo, all centered on one question.  Can girls and guys be platonic friends?  I always argue the position yes and he the no position.  You see, in my life, I have to believe that there is such a thing as platonic relationships, otherwise, I lose at least 4 amazing people in my life.  I have always been the girl that hangs with the guys. That drinks with the guys. The girl that is the wingman on one night and the substitute girlfriend when the good movie hits the theatres.  That has been my role in this world, so for someone to come in and say, “Nope sweetie, no such thing,” baffles me. This leads me to argue my experience and this is when I get really intrigued.  His explanation of me being one of the guys…

According the great knowledge of this gentleman, I have guys as friends because I never really have to get intimate. I never really have to talk about what is going on in my life. I never really have to do anything but have a great time.  I get to go see movies, drink beer, play cards, listen to their girl woes and offer my girl wisdom(which sucks), and just have fun.  It is easy breezy.  I start thinking about this…I have been turning it in my head for a week now, and the scariest thing hit me.  I think he is right.

I have conducted an experiment.  I have tried to talk about this new dating excursion with 3 of the 4.  One was okay with discussing in the beginning, but then shut down.  One didn’t respond at all and ignored the fact that I ever mentioned it.  The other, well the minute that I started talking about it, well, he had to take a call and would call me back.  The phone never rang…well until the other night to see if I wanted to come out with the guys for drinks uptown. 

I think he is right…


4 responses to “(wall subject)

  1. No maybe they are just guys… and I beyond all prior speculation, just a girl who falls for flowers and compliments like the rest of them.

  2. Nothing wrong with enjoying flowers and compliments. Not everyone uses them to disguise shenanigans.

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