Tonight I turn the radio up and listen and write. I apologize for talking in circles, but tonight I have a lot to say…
I joke on a regular basis that I am going put an add on craigslist for new friends. I never do. I never would. My friends rock. Anyone in this world would be lucky to have them in their life for even a minute. Which means anyone who has the pleasure of me for just a second sharing them with you should get down on knees and thank me. They are that rockin awesome. One of my friends has been out of commission. We shall call him Marty O’NeauxBalls from thus point forward.
So Marty has this woman (who really isn’t his woman) across town…actually across states. She came to see him this weekend. Which meant, when I needed him to tell me, Kiddo put on your big girl shoes get your helmet, and adjust your attitude station to WGCynical, he couldn’t, he was entertaining. He was unavailable for verbal contact. This stressed me out. I needed to talk to him! He is my person. My person I tell things to. I had to do it myself…I had to tell myself all that I needed to hear. Since in this society it is considered a bit crazy to talk to yourself I wrote and wrote…so what you are about to read is 3 days worth of thoughts, based on the events of those days….Good Luck!
To Whom it May Concern:
When did we become so caught up in the fairytale ending? When did we stop believing in our ability to create our own personal happiness and look for it in a kiss from prince charming or princess charming? We have been given an opportunity to write a story. To tell a story. To put on a show. Our setting is a sunrise, an afternoon thunderstorm, a sunset. Somedays our story gets to take place on urban landscapes of horns honking and feet shuffling and sometimes it gets to take place at our favorite venue with our favorite musician singing just to us. God has given us something amazing and evidently we have found a way to way to rush our story along. We question why things are not happening in our time. It is not supposed to happen in our time people! The ending to our story will come, but I for one hope that the ending is not because of a person that entered my life. I hope it is after jumping out of a plane and feeling weightless(as it was described this week) or after kissing my 100 year old husband goodnight or after completing a triathlon or after a jungle safari or after going to a Sox game. I hope the ending to my story only after I have lived. I hope the ending to my story is not anytime soon, but only comes after I have lived a life so full, so awesome that there is nothign left to do, no story left to tell.
When did 25 become old? When was 30 the age for a girl to have a child, and furthermore, when did 35 become too old…I am sorry, but I for one do not like deadlines? I like it when I can develop the crush, read the signals, and jump without worring, “well if he doesn’t like me I am never going to make it to that 35 married with 2 kid deadline.” I thought, that all the time up until now I was learning to love completely. I was learning what it was to love myself. I was learning what I had to offer in a relationship. I was under the impression that there was a grand plan for me, and I was unaware that God had deadlines.
With all this said, I still search for my counterpoint everyday. The man in my life who will know that just because I don’t cuddle with him on the couch and spoon with him in bed, because lets face it…it gets hot, that I love him with everything in my heart and soul. I search for a man that will tell me all the stories he has in his head, crazy, funny, sad, etc. I search for the father of my children that may or may not come before I am 35. I search for a man that will sit outside the bathroom and talk to me while I am soaking in my bubble bath. I search for the man that will go to wal-mart with me and sneak things in the cart. I search for the future little league coach and the man that makes up voices for the characters in the book. I search my soul everyday for courage, that if I meet this man I will be able to walk up to him and tell him. I pray everyday, that God bless me with someone that my daddy will approve of, even more that my mom will love as her own. I know that each day that he is not in my life right now is just time for me to learn more about love and more about myself.
I know that I can be awesome at what I do in this life. I know that I can touch a life. I know that I am beautiful, because I am a child of God. I know that even though I bruise a little easier than most doesn’t mean I shouldn’t get out there and play the game. I know that all the scars on my heart were just lessons learned. Furthermore the scars on my skin are just tattoo’d memories. I know that there is not such thing as too nice, but that I need to learn that just because I say no, doesn’t mean I am not being nice. I know that I have impeccable tastes in music, because it makes me tap my foot and sing outloud. I know that I am clumsy, and a little bit un-put together, and maybe a bit too loud. I know that is okay. Because I love who I am becoming. I love my slight cynical nature. I love even more that it only comes out in small doses followed by long winded blogs of optimism ;).
If I was so focused on my fairytale ending, I would have never known any of this. I would have never taken time to look back at all the little bluders to see the beauty in them. I would have never looked back at the bridges burned and seen the bridges built. I would never have a story to tell or a painting to paint. I would never be inspired…and that would just be boring. I don’t claim to have it figured out. I hope I don’t. I know I don’t, but I do know that the only thing on that headstone that matters at the end of this life time is the dash between the dates.
On one day my dash says, “I wanted to kiss you right then and right there. I wanted to tell you that you are amazing. Amazingly cute and have the most beautiful smile. I wanted to kiss you right then and right there, but I didn’t and I won’t, but the position that you are applying for is filled. There are no vacancies in my life for what you want from me. I wanted to kiss you, but I didn’t. I wanted to kiss you, but I won’t. However, If you ever want to kiss me. Come find me. I will more than likely be in the garage painting, listening to loud music and dancing covered in paint. I will be ready and open, but not waiting. I don’t wait. I live, I paint, I design, I love with all my heart. I want kiss you but I won’t because you were blind to who I was.”
On other days my dash says, “I’m just singing, dancing, laughing. This may be too much. This may step on toes, but I am just singing, dancing, laughing. I wear war paint of acrylic paint. I know how much you need me to be something more serious, but sometimes you need to be something less serious. Becaue we are all just singing, dancing, laughing.”
On others my dash says, “Come play in the sand with me. Together we can build a castle. Together we can make it happen. The world sucks sometimes. But our castle right here right now could be great. So you get the shovels and I will get the buckets. Because today there is nothing that can be done. God gave us sand, so come let’s build a caslte together.”
On other days my dash says. “I need you. I need a friend. I can’t do this on my own. I know this used to be something I could do on my own, but as Ryan says, “it takes two now and it used to take one.” Today I am broken. Today I am injured. So friend, just help me stand up today. Remind me how to breathe. I need you. I need a friend. I can’t do this on my own.”
My dash says so many different things…and that is just how I like it.
So friend…I hope you find all the paper rainbows in your life…because I find mine in you.
Whit, Kiddo, Whitby, Humbird, Bird, W The Roaster, Russeau, Batina…